The German and I Aren’t Finished Yet

My teacher from my Thursday German course has just been dismissed.

After two years with her, I had already begun to see her as the German aunt I never had. Or, why not, as a kind of psychologist who listened to our problems while patiently correcting our grammar and pronunciation.

That is why, this time, I felt as though German had left me.

Even if only temporarily.

Her departure brought back many memories of my long career as a lifelong student of a language I have spent years chasing and which, apparently, still refuses to be caught.

CONTENIDO

Sweat and Tears

I have always heard that anything worth having in life must be earned through sweat and tears.

In my case, it was not a metaphor.

I had barely reached A2 level when I gathered my courage and decided to enrol in an intensive German course aimed at C1.

The ambition was considerable. The budget, unfortunately, was not.

The course cost a little over 300 euros, which was a lot of money for me at the time. During the three months it lasted, I would also only have the weekends available for any additional work.

I had just enough to survive, but not enough for an investment like that. So I started looking for a job that paid well by the hour and did not require advanced German.

I ended up finding one at a roofing factory.

It was exhausting work. I had accidents and bled. And yes, I also cried out of frustration.

Sweat, blood and tears. The complete package of the blessed, although I did not feel particularly blessed.

But I managed to pay for the intensive German course.

After all, C1 was not going to chase me.

Plan B

It is a strange feeling to enter an intensive C1 German course when you only have an A2 level.

I passed the grammar tests, but the oral exams were another story. Perhaps it was my shyness. Perhaps it was the minor detail that someone with A2 German does not suddenly start speaking like someone with B2 overnight.

Even so, I completed the course.

My teacher, however, left me with a warning. He did not believe I would pass the TestDaF exam I needed to study in Germany.

He was right.

I failed because of the oral section alone.

I would have liked to observe a few days of mourning, but there was no time for ceremonies. I activated Plan B and prepared for the DSH-2.

It did not include an oral examination, which was already a small blessing. In exchange, the grammar exercises and written production tasks seemed to have been designed by someone who did not sincerely want foreigners to attend university.

But I passed.

I had not mastered German. I had merely found another way to defeat it and, probably, to convince myself that I had already mastered it.

The Harsh Reality

Being accepted into a German university made me swell with pride.

I had the certificate, the admission letter and the satisfaction of having passed a test that had seemed impossible only a few months earlier.

There was only one small detail missing.

Speaking German.

I soon collided with reality and discovered my limitations whenever I tried to hold a conversation, participate in class or answer without first constructing every sentence inside my head.

Perhaps that was why the TestDaF included an oral examination.

Perhaps the test had not been as unfair as I wanted to believe.

Or perhaps it was still the same permanent shyness that had followed me from Spanish and refused to leave, even when I changed languages.

Fortunately, the university also offered German courses.

I did not always perform well in the exams. Many times, I left the classroom with more questions than answers and with new grammar rules that seemed to contradict the ones I had learned the week before.

But I had no choice except to continue.

I also began to notice some improvement. Not because I woke up one morning speaking perfect German, but because I slowly stopped asking grammar for permission before opening my mouth.

Perhaps that is precisely what learning a language means.

Daring to speak, causing a few misunderstandings and continuing the conversation as though everything had gone according to plan.

The Infinite Loop

I do not believe that I speak perfect German.

But hey, I can manage without too many problems and even make people laugh with my jokes and observations in German. I consider that, at least, a personal victory in this endless battle with the language.

On a personal level, therefore, I am not doing too badly.

Professionally, however, it is a different story.

Sometimes I feel that I still cannot show in German the professional I am in Spanish. I have the ideas, the experience and the arguments, but I do not always find the words as quickly or express them with the same precision.

In those moments, I feel again like that young man who entered a C1 course with only an A2 level.

Perhaps that is why I still attend German classes.

Not because of nostalgia.

And certainly not because of any love for declensions.

Rather, because of the constant need to one day reach that German version of myself which seems to move further away every time I get closer.

Conclusión

I should probably see the glass as half full rather than half empty.

I know.

I no longer feel as lost in Germany as I did at the beginning. I can work, have conversations, make jokes and defend myself whenever an official letter threatens to ruin my week.

But this long odyssey as a lifelong student has taught me a few things.

The first is that no course, no matter how expensive it is, can learn the language for you. Money can pay for teachers, books and certificates, but the words still depend on you.

The second is that something which seems impossible stops feeling impossible when you repeat it for long enough. It does not happen overnight. It happens slowly, between mistakes, embarrassment, patience and the occasional conversation you finally understand five minutes after it has ended.